How To Babysit A One Year Old

 

©Scott Hovind

This is a brief tutorial on how to babysit a one year old. In order to begin you will need to have a one year old readily available. If you don’t have one available just ask around, any intelligent parent with a one year old will be more than willing to provide one for training purposes for as long as you need him. However most parents will have a minimum time limit and no maximum time limit.

You may already have the one year old in your possession. Whether you were asked by the parents to learn how to babysit or you volunteered, for those who have obviously never babysat a one year old before, you will need to read this quickly.

Now it’s usually a good idea to interview the child before you begin but because the parents always tend to do most of the talking this isn’t always possible. First attempt to plan a strategy. Collect all babysitting tools and devices available (more on these later) into a small area. If “child feeding” training is to take place today start early by shrink wrapping all furniture and lining the walls and floor with painter’s paper and tape BEFORE the child gets to your home. If babysitting takes place in the parents home skip this last step as it will probably be too late before you even get there.

Before the parents leave(ignore their maniacal laughter as most parents of one year olds suffer from this affliction) check with them for the location of these very important tools. Trough for feeding if one is available, if not don’t worry I’ll walk you through it, poop collection bags, feed for the trough, and ear plugs, otherwise hang up any hopes you may have had for a nap.

Now as the parents are walking to there respective car (again it’s not polite to question there maniacal laughter, this particular medical handicap cannot be helped) this is your last opportunity to cancel, postpone or reschedule todays training session, interesting enough, this seems to be one of the few known cures for the maniacal laughter. If you are training in your own house however cancellation is not an option.

At this point we’ll assume you’ve chosen to continue training and that the parents have left, now someone else can deal with the laughter and you will be free to concentrate. You will need all the concentration you can get as you will be the only one in the house doing it. If you ever see a one year old concentrating, immediately locate a poop collection bag and some wet bathroom tissue and skip ahead to the section on changing poop collection bags.

The first thing you need to do is locate the baby holder. Every house has one. They come in different shapes and sizes but they all serve the same function. It’s basically a paint shaker of sorts but with a built in chair. If for some reason one isn’t available or perhaps you’re training in your own house and the parents didn’t bring one, locate an empty car seat, an off balance washing machine and some duct tape. Combining these three items has worked well in the past.

Sometimes one year olds can be contented for days in such devices but usually become discontented when they get hungry, which brings us to the next step, feeding.

If the child has recently fed then a simple bowl of goldfish will be sufficient. It’s best to leave the bowl 1/4 full of water to prevent the fish from splashing too much. If goldfish are not available you may have to use cheerios but I don’t know any child that would rather have cheerios over the third option.

Option three. One year olds are excellent scavengers. Instinctively, one year olds can get all of their recommended daily allowance from the world around them. They will roam endlessly around the house for hours on end looking for nutrients. Studies have shown that one year olds rank even higher on the list of efficient scavengers than possums and lawyers. One year olds can get nutrition from various things such as old cheerios, cookie crumbs, whatever is under the table from the previous evening meal, old olives behind the couch from last Thanksgivings food fight, loose change and missing earrings from under the couch cushions and even old socks under your bed.

After scavenging for a while the child may need a beverage to wet his whistle. I can’t tell you what you should put in his bottle for liability purposes but I will include a list of things that in my experience should not be put in a baby bottle. Hot coffee, you may use cold coffee but not until you are ready to leave. Red Bull or any other energy drinks, those are for you, you’ll need them more than he will. If you give the child anything from a bottle with a cork on top you might as well discontinue this tutorial because from here on out the child will experience totally random behavior. Also if you yourself drink from said bottle you too will experience random behavior plus the added effect of not being able to read this tutorial.

If the child requires a regular feeding or you’ve recently vacuumed and the floor no longer contains enough nutrients to sustain life I’ll explain what to put in his trough. Society dictates (along with several state laws) that if no trough is available  we must use a suitable container to present children with food. This rule only applies to regular feedings, it does not apply to scavenging, how else are they going to learn? Also, the trough or container is only necessary for the presentation of the food since it will not remain in the container for long. One year olds tend to spread the food through the house for scavenging later. That is why we shrink wrap ahead of time.

Here is how to decide what to put in the trough. First option should be left overs, so go straight to the refrigerator. Left overs are an excellent training tool, It gives the child the sense that they are scavenging. If no leftovers are available or you may need them later look for anything with cheese in it. Cheese is a great product in that it helps prevent you from having to change poop collection bags. So, always remember, more cheese.

Now this is where it gets sticky (no pun intended) changing poop collection bags. Always have the empty bag ready, open, available and within reach of yourself but not the one year old. Also locate several rolls of wet toilet paper (If none is available this may be the cause of the maniacal laughter upon departure of the parents) or if no toilet paper is available several damp dish towels will suffice, just make sure you fold them neatly and put them back where you found them when you are finished or else you will not be asked back for a second training session.

Let us begin, if the child is advanced enough in his learning always have him stand, let gravity do the work. Cover the floor in fresh newspaper. Release the straps on the collection bag and let the bag hit the floor. Quickly remove the bag from the immediate area as one year olds tend to be finger painting Picassos, also studies have shown they will scavenge anything.

Next have the child jump up and down vigorously to remove any loose poop, foreign matter or anything he may scavenge later. Quickly reapply the empty poop collection bag before he begins to concentrate again. Use the wet toilet paper or damp dish towels to clean your hands and any other part of yourself that may have come into contact with any contaminates. Fold the newspaper and dish towels back up and put them both where you found them. Remember, if the parents ask you to babysit, they obviously cannot afford another newspaper.

It must be getting to the end of this training session and if you would like another training session in the future you must quickly make the child like you. So first give him anything you can find with sugar on it. If the parents don’t allow the child to have sugar they may not have any in the house so it’s time to get creative. Put the child in his baby holder, reapply the duct tape and run out to the sidewalk. Look up and down the sidewalk, we’re looking for a large collection of ants, the larger the better. Brush the ants to the side and grab what ever it was that had brought them together. Run back to the house and give it to the one year old. He could have found this little reward himself but we don’t cover “roaming around outside” until the next training session.

Now that the child is smiling give him a bottle of any Red Bull you may have left and go relax. When the parents return home try to suppress your own maniacal laughter as you politely thank them for the opportunity to train with their one year old. If you are careful enough they may inquire as to a second training session. This is optional and totally up to you but I recommend you take a week to think about it.

This ends todays session. You are dismissed.

 

“I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.”
-Mark Twain-