Oh great, another funeral. I hate those damn things. All the crying, all the praying. Everyone wearing black. It’s so boring. They show up in their black cars and orange flags. They show all the respect in the world for the one in the car but who cares about the rest of us. Do you think even one of them could watch where the hell they’re walking? Noooo, of course not. Nobody cares that their 400 pound Uncle Bubba stands on my head for two hours while they bury Maggie Sue. Oh look at that. Now what the hell would you cover her box with a blanket for? She isn’t gonna warm up any.
Ya ya, ashes to ashes, blah, blah, tired of hearing it. Now could you please tell your two ton uncle to get off my head?
Oh, thank God! I thought they’d never leave. Maybe I can get back to sleep.
“chirp chirp chirp”
Go away!
“chirp chirp chirp”
What?!?!
“chirp chirp chirp”
Go chirp somewhere else! I’m trying to rest! Eternal rest, rest in peace, laid to rest! Ever heard of them?
“chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp chirp”
Well I can see I’m not going to get any rest with you around. Don’t you have a nest to build somewhere?
“chirp”
Frolicking to do?
“chirp”
“chirp chirp whistle?”
Oh, that? Um, it’s a little embarrassing. You see that stone over there? That’s Henry Picklebottom. He showed up sometime last year and he’s been a pain in my ass. Every month or so his family comes around, cries for a while, leaves those damn plastic flowers then they leave. Look at those damn things. They’re ugly and faded.
“chirp whistle?”
Because they never clean up the old ones. Then after they leave I have to listen to Picklebottom’s wailing and whining all damn night.
“chirp whistle?”
Oh yeah, so one night I couldn’t take his damn whining anymore so I reached my hand out and pointed right at him and said, “YOU SHUT UP RIGHT NOW PICKLEBOTTOM!!! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!! AND DAMMIT, TELL YOUR WIFE TO CLEAN UP THOSE CHEAP PLASTICE FLOWERS!!!!”
“chirp whistle?”
Well isn’t it obvious? I went to pull my hand back and it was stuck.
{distant echoed laughter}
“chirp whistle?”
Because now instead of wailing and whining all night I have to listen to him laughing at me all day.
{distant echoed laughter}
YOU SHUT UP PICKLEBOTTOM OR I’LL COME OVER THERE AND MOVE YOUR ROCK!!! THEN HOW WILL YOUR FAMILY FIND YOU? HUH? THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT!!!
“chirp chirp chirp”
What the hell do I care that it cheered him up? How does that help me? My hand is being used as a perch for a bunch of annoying birds.
“chirp chirp chirp”
Well…yeah, I guess you’re right. It really has been a while since I’ve heard any laughter around here. We did have a squirrel around here for a while, he gave me a chuckle but we also had an owl around here too. Now we don’t have a squirrel. Now we’re back to the dark , drab, constant weeping, wailing and whining. There’s nothing to do around here. We lay here face up, doing nothing, for what? So day after day we can watch the blue sky, grey sky, blue sky, grey sky, oh look, a cloud, oh, clouds are gone now, snow, rain, snow, rain, sun, moon, sun, moon. Boring! They could have at least propped us on our sides and faced us west or east so maybe we could watch a beautiful sunrise or sunset from time to time.
“chirp whistle?”
Upright? Ha ha ha, funny. We’re already stiff. Would you want to spend eternity on your feet? Do you have any idea what it’s like to sleep standing up?
“chirp”
Oh, oops, I guess you do.
Oh would you look at that? Another funeral. Third one today.
Hey! Wanna have some fun? Go over there and land on that lady’s shoulder. The one in the black dress and veil. She’ll think it’s a sign that her beloved has gone to a better place.
“chirp chirp whistle?”
Well you’re the one all about cheering people up.
“chirp chirp”
AND BRING A ROSE BACK WITH YOU.
{waiting}
Awe would you look at that. He went and made a mess on my finger. That’s just sick.
{waiting}
“chirp chirp chirp chirp”
Hey! I hope you know you’re cleaning that finger! Dainty little blue bird my ass. More like a dirty bird if you ask me. {chuckle chuckle snort} Did you get the rose?
“chirp”
No, I don’t want it. What the hell am I gonna do with a rose? Go over there and give it to Picklebottom.
“chirp chirp chirp”
Yeah, yeah, just give it to him. Maybe his wife will get the hint to use real flowers instead of plastic.
{waiting}
NO NOT ON THE STONE, IT’LL STAIN. PUT IT ON THE GROUND.
These kids have a lot to learn about taking care of their stones. IT’S ALL YOU GOT YOU KNOW….WHAT?…WHAT THE HELL YOU GONNA DO WITH A GOLD WATCH? IT’S DARK IN THERE! YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE IT!!!….OH IT’S GOT A LIGHT ON IT? WELL LA DEE DA!!! AREN’T YOU FANCY??? Damn smart ass kids.
“chirp chirp chirp”
What took you so long?
“chirp chirp chirp”
Tell him he’s welcome.
BUT THAT DON’T MEAN I WANT YOU YAPPIN’ AT ME ALL NIGHT NOW EITHER. AND WE AIN’T SPOONING OR CUDDLING OR SHARING LONG WALKS IN THE CEMETERY!!!
{echoed laughter}
“chirp chirp whistle?”
Me? I don’t want to talk about it.
“chirp chirp whistle?”
Alright, alright, fine. I was at work one day when…
“chirp”
A farmer. Anyway, like I said, I was at work…
“chirp”
Potatoes. Anyway, I was at w…
“chirp”
I don’t know!!! Idaho, russet, long island red, what difference does it make!?!?!
“chirp chirp chirp”
What are you talking about? A long island red is not a chicken!
“chirp”
Yeah, I guess you would know birds better that I would. Can I tell my story now?
“chirp”
Are you sure?
“chirp
Cuz I’d hate to interrupt your questions with my story.
“chirp”
Okay, so I was at work when I….
“chirp”
All right!!! Forget it!!!
“chirpchirpchirpchirpchirp snort”
You think that’s funny? You’re lucky my arm is stuck.
“chirp chirp whistle?”
Just don’t do it again. So I was at work when I had a problem with the potato digging machine.
“chirp”
I’m getting to that. We were digging potatoes when all of a sudden the machine jammed up. I swear. It seems like we plant more rocks than we do potatoes. So me and Old Jim go around to the back of the machine and Old Jim decides he’s gonna reach his arm in to pull out the rock. I told Jim I didn’t think it was a good idea but he told me it was nonsense. He said he’d be okay as long as I was there to yell for help if something went wrong. So he reaches in and grabs the rock when all of a sudden the rock comes loose and the machine starts back up.
“whistle?”
No, Old Jim was fine, but when the machine started back up POW!!! I catch a potato right between the eyes. I dropped like a, um, like a rock.
{echoed laughter}
SHUT THE HELL UP PICKLECHASER!!!
{Echoes “IT”S PICKLEBOTTOM”}
I WOULDN’T BRAG ABOUT THAT!!!
Anyway, next thing I know, I wake up here. No I sit here for eternity with my finger stuck up a birds butt.
“chirp chirp chirp”
Yeah, I guess bad luck is an understatement.
“chirp whistle?”
Nah, no family. All I had was Old Jim and he’s long gone now. I hear his folks buried him upstate.
“whistle?”
You’re not the only bird in the world. Ever heard of a carrier pigeon? I wish Old Jim would stop sending them. They keep messing up my stone.
“chirp chirp whistle?”
Nope, not me. I haven’t had a visitor in 30 years.
“chirp chirp chirp”
Hey, that’s really nice of you. I look forward to that. Maybe we can harass Picklebottom some more.
But hey, it’s getting dark and that owl hangs out in that tree over there so you should get out of here.
“chirp chirp chirp”
Oh, my name is Egbert Dinklefert and it’s nice to meet you too.
{echoed laughter}
SHUT UP PICKLEBOTTOM!!! YOUR NAME ISN’T ANY BETTER!!!!
You really have talent and a spectacular sense of humor. This is fantastic!
Thank you so much Hazey