Today I started a new job as a bulk commodity transport relocation expert. Now for those of you who don’t know what a bulk commodity transport relocation expert is I’ll break it down for you. Bulk commodity being one or more consumer products sold or distributed in large enough quantities to make it impractical for individual consumers to purchase on there own. Transport being the means of conveyance to move said product from point A to point B. Relocation expert being the person charged with the duty of moving said transport from A to B. To break it down further for those who still may not understand, I am really good at moving big white trailers full of useless shit.
Now you may ask what exactly is it like to be a bulk commodity transport relocation expert, or you may not since many people could care less but because this is my story I’m going to walk you through 1 day as a bulk commodity transport relocation expert.
The general way it works is, when you get to work Burt will hand you a list of big white trailers to back up to the big white doors of the big white building or Ernie might hand you a list of big white trailers to take out of the big white doors of the big white building to put into the yard with all the other big white trailers.
After getting into your truck to begin this labor both Burt and Ernie will call you on the Nextel relentlessly adding more and more big white trailers to your growing list of big white trailers to put into or take out of the big white doors of the big white building.
One will then set to work at a frantic pace that would make a cheetah look lazy in the hopes of getting caught up. So for hours it’s white trailer after white trailer.
More white trailers.
And more white trailers.
Now don’t get me wrong it sounds like it could be monotonous but well.. yeah it’s monotonous.
White trailer
White trailer
White trailer
But wait, could it be?
Yes, holy shit it is!
An orange trailer!
What do I do? What do I do?
Calm down don’t panic.
I fear that if anyone should see my excitement they may strip me of the pleasure of moving an orange trailer. I must take my time and savor this experience. Don’t be in too big of a hurry or it will all be over…… All done.
White trailer
White trailer.
Now I’d like to add that there is one thing everyone in the world knows you don’t want to do when your stuck at a boring monotonous job. Don’t ever ever ever look at the clock. Well it seems they’ve covered that as well. I actually have to write down the actual time that I move every single big white trailer. So one doesn’t look at the clock once in a while but 10 to 12 times per hour.
White trailer 9:47
White trailer 9:52
White trailer 9:58
I’ll have mercy and skip ahead a little.
White trailer 11:04
White trailer 11:08
Now something new happens.
No more white trailers. Burt and Ernie ran out of work. So I straighten the yard a bit make sure the big white trailers are nice and neat and lined up properly. 7 minutes later I’m finished so I find some shade to sit in. Not sure at this point what to do and not wanting to close my eyes for fear that these people might see me and have the mercy to relieve me of my duties.
Don’t close your eyes.
Don’t close your eyes
Don’t close your eyes
So I decide to straighten the yard straighter. I break out the compass and protractor and I carefully make sure that the circumference of the tires multiplied by pi is at least equal to if not greater than the distance from the front of the big white trailer to the back minus the shortest line of an … I went back to my shady spot and waited some more.
Another hour and a half went by. I then gently fold my hands and pray. “GOD if you can help me, I’ll repent all of my sins. I’ll never do anything bad again. I’ll feed the homeless. I’ll give to charity. What ever you do just please end this”. Now it was right at this moment that the Nextel chirps. It’s Burt. I look up and say thank you so much. Burt says, “Have you taken a lunch yet?”. I reply, “Uh, I don’t really need one, I haven’t done anything for hours”. Burt then tells me that they dock me for it no matter what so just chill out for half an hour. I again fold my hands and look to the heavens and pray, “Ha ha ha, very funny”.
I realize that at least he basically gave me permission to nap so I kicked my feet up, tilted my head back and closed my eyes. It was at this moment that the Nextel chirps again. This time it’s Ernie. I answer. Ernie asks,” Have you had lunch yet?” Now I may have forgotten to mention that Burt and Ernie sit at there respective desks a mere 4 feet apart. I reply, “kind of”. He asked me to put these four big white trailers into those four big white doors. I again fold my hands and look to the heavens and prayed, ” Now your just toying with me, aren’t you?”
I proceed to move the big white trailers. Now Burt and Ernie seem to be having a contest to see who can kill me first by giving me the most big white trailers to put into the big white doors of the big white building. I took it personally as I wasn’t really getting a chance to compete let alone to win.
At some point Burt gave me a very large list of big white trailers. Moments later Ernie calls me and asks if I have time for some trailers. I informed him that it would certainly increase his chances of killing me first so he gave them to me.
Well wouldn’t you know it he was obviously so impressed that I wasn’t dead yet that he gave me four big BLUE trailers to pull out as a reward. Well I was so excited that I almost forgot to mention to him that Burt was already in the “killing me” lead with the list he gave me and I might already be dead by the time I got to the big blue trailers. He replied, ” Don’t worry about it we don’t really need any of these trailers until tomorrow”.
I prayed again but this time I only folded 9 fingers and left one erect. Luckily this was the END of a day in the life of a bulk commodity transport relocation expert. I just wanted to go home and go to bed and count big white trailers until I fell asleep so I can wake up and spend another day in the life of a bulk commod… Ahhh forget it!
